Yes, but I deserve to be mad! Yes, but it wasn't that bad, really...

When I shared my last post, I warned the readers that it was guaranteed to leave at least a few of them sputtering, "Yes, but...!".

And I was right.

They did.

This post is for anyone who indignantly sputtered and is still confused as to why.

Ahhh, the Yesbuts. A favorite of the righteously indignant everywhere. "Yes, but you don't understand!" and "Yes, but I have the right to expect...!" It is also popular among minimizers, especially when trying to understand and defend against the possibility that they have been a victim of Emotional Neglect.

What do the indignant and minimizers both have in common? Denial. Denial that stems from Emotional Neglect.

Don't believe me?

​Let's take a look at Emotional Neglect and how to know if you have really been exposed to it.

Look, I have yet to meet anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family who has not expressed disbelief that their family was as awful as they think it was. The beginning stages of change are always filled with ambiguity, contemplation, and questions. And for good reason! Most of it doesn't make any sense. Much of the time we are filled with uncertainty and guilt for even questioning what was happening. This is very common and completely normal. No need to beat yourself up, you are only pondering  the idea that maybe it wasn't all that the 'company line' said it was.

I have worked with many clients who are in such stages of confusion. And they spend many, many weeks (even months...sometimes years...) of responding to an observation that indicates emotional neglect with, "Yes, but it didn't leave any physical scars.", or "Yes, but my parent(s) didn't get fall down drunk and pass out. I am not even sure they are an alcoholic!" or "Yes, but I know other people who have it so much worse. And my siblings are always telling me I make too much out of things and my parents are always telling me I am exaggerating and being dramatic...".

When a family member is struggling with substance abuse or mental illness that is undiagnosed or untreated, Emotional Neglect is almost always a side effect. Wondering if it really could be true for you, too? Wondering what it looks like in action?

I am glad you asked!

• Certain feelings are unacceptable or only acceptable. All kids have intense feelings and a wide range of emotions. Emotional Neglect happens when a child is taught that they may only express certain ones. For instance, a parent might only reinforce negative, self defeating behaviors in a child (because this makes the child more depended upon them, making the parent feel special, valued, and worthy - this is akin to clipping the child's wings so that they never learn to be independent). Or, a parent might rage at a child who expresses anything but happiness and sunshine. To behave any differently indicates to the parent that they are not doing a good enough job. All parents make mistakes and screw up. Not allowing for this and making amends when it happens contributes to Emotional Neglect.
• Feelings, and the expression of them, are to be avoided. I once saw a tea towel in a store that read, "Remember, as far as anyone else is concerned, we are a nice, normal family!". In families with untreated substance abuse or mental illness, this sentiment is not to be taken lightly. Anyone who does not tow the company line is ostracised, rejected, or ignored. Often times, the reason for this form of Emotional Neglect is because the parent(s) do not have the bandwidth or emotional reserves to handle anything else. When one parent is consumed with addiction or illness and the other is cosigning it (being codependent and managing the fallout of the 1st parents' issues), there is very little room left over for anyone to be raised in a healthy, attentive way.
• Ignoring, minimizing, or denying a child's particular wants, needs, and preferences. Emotional Neglect happens when a child expresses their individuality and is ignored or told they are not or cannot be that way. Sometimes they are ignored completely, as though they do not exist. "Acceptable" needs, wants, or preferences that do not threaten the parent are reinforced. All others are ignored or forbidden.
• Talking about or naming a problem is a problem. This is why substance abuse and mental illness often goes undiagnosed or untreated. There is a narrative that the parent(s) tell themselves that often other family members buy into. "Everything is just fine!", they will say. And pointing out that the Emperor has no clothes makes that child the bad guy. Emotional neglect happens when a child (at any age) attempts to shed light on a concern and is ignored, minimized, or raged at for bringing it up. Again, the energy is spent on maintaining the illness or addiction and its fallout and there is little left over for anything else.
• Passiveness without rules or structure. Children need to know where the limits are. In families where the caregivers are so consumed with their own substance use or illness that they cannot attend to their children by setting and enforcing boundaries, Emotional Neglect happens. This may take the form of acting inappropriately in front of a child, disregarding the child's need for personal space and privacy, or failing to set limits on behavior and expectations.
• Rigidity without flexibility or understanding. At the other end of the spectrum from passiveness, is inflexibility. Some families manage the unmanageable with strict rules, rigidity of expectations, and lack of flexibility. Often, this comes from a sense of chaos that exists within the addiction or illness. In an attempt to control that chaos, the parent(s) will insist on strict rules being adhered to regardless of the impact on the child or other family members. This lack of flexibility often contributes to the child feeling unheard or feeling invisible.
• Unrealistic expectations. Parents afflicted with untreated substance abuse or mental illness will often shape a world where the expectations of others are unrealistic. Children in these worlds often become "parentified" and find themselves parenting their parents who are incapable of doing more than behaving like a child.
• Passive-aggressive behavior, belittling, degrading, and insulting someone. Also? Denying that something happened (or gaslighting) and ignoring a request to stop physical or verbal behavior. All of these are ways in which Emotional Neglect can take place in the home. The overall effect is that the targeted person feels like they are going crazy, have no worth or value, and have no voice.

How do you know if you have been affected by it?
You...

• Often feel invisible.
• Have low self esteem.
• In reflecting on past events you wonder if maybe you are going crazy.
• Begin to deny things in your own life.
• Feel like you have no voice.
• Are afraid of authority figures.
• Don't know what you like or how you feel.
• Do know that you feel "different" than everyone else, like you don't belong or fit in.
• Have trouble expressing yourself.
• Feel alone.
• Are afraid to speak your truth. There are many things you think but would never say aloud.
• Do not believe you have real value.
• Feel like you can't rely on anyone and have trust issues.
• Are afraid of your anger, yet sometimes rage or explode.
• Have unrealistic expectations of yourself and/or others.
• Deny who others really are, even when they show you.
• Worry that you will or are repeating the same patterns you just read about.

Here's the thing:

It Is Okay if you relate to anything you just read.

Really. It does not mean you are a bad person, nor does it  mean we are going to pin all of your poor life choices on your parents (I promise). Whether you are indignant or minimizing, chances are, denial is at the bottom of it. And underneath that? Emotional Neglect.

These realizations often come as a shock and many times we find ourselves going back to the beginning for a moment and saying, "Really?".

Yep. Really. And it's totally normal. It takes a while to wrap your head around it. Sometimes there is a protective mechanism in your brain (that developed out of a need for survival in the dysfunction) that insists this is all much ado about nothing. It is overwhelming. Often we jump to conclusions like, "If this is true I come from horrible people and can never talk to them again!" , or "I am doomed to repeat the same patterns!" (more of that black and white thinking).

And then there is the voice that says, "You are so stupid for not seeing this sooner." Stop that.

It's not nice to beat people up, including yourself.

So let's take a moment and consider the And/Both in Emotional Neglect: You may have had some Emotional Neglect AND you may have had a really great life the rest of the time. Vacations, clothes, dinner at the table every night. Maybe even some humor thrown in there. That, in and of itself, makes things feel a whole lot more complicated. Two things can be true at the same time.

Feel relieved? Overwhelmed? Have questions? Leave a comment below or let me know if you want to talk about it ;-)